Another week down, another week draws closer to the “Day”…Surgery seems so imminent and so surreal at the same time. This day is getting closer and closer, it’s as if time is flying by but at the same time is moving in slow motion as well. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense but it’s the only way I can explain it. It feels as though there is not enough time in the day to do what I need to do, I still have so much planning to do, and things to work out but then the time feels like it’s moving so slowly and I have all the time I need…then all of a sudden and before I know it, I blink and a week is over and the next draws near.
I was able to accomplish paying 2 months worth of rent today and 2 months of health insurance premiums. I have always had the fear that the little bit I have been able to save over the years wouldn’t be enough in the end. I have stressed over this daily, yearly, and today was my day that I got to face it. I have come to the conclusion that it is what it is. Bills are going to come full force at us and there is no stopping it nor can I do much about it; other than just do the best I can. I have diligently saved every spare penny I had, anytime I got “money” for my birthday, or holiday, or whatever it may be…I have always stuffed it away for these upcoming days. The truth of the matter is, we are like most, and just do what we can to get by. I feel I have done a decent job of doing my best with what I got and my income. The truth is, my sons health care accounts for at min 30-40% of my take home pay, the other 55% is my rent (yes that’s right, we aren’t even homeowners either…and those who know me know I did home mortgages for quite sometime; I just never got sucked into the facade of thinking I can afford something I knew I couldn’t…so we rent, and I don’t care that we do), that typically leaves me with 5% remaining to pay bills…do the math, it doesn’t add up to a whole lot of anything and why we always needed dual incomes to make ends meet. Some months Dylan’s bills were less, others more. I stashed what I could and never looked back.
In the first 3 years of Dylan’s life, when things were really bad and financially stretched, I worked 3 jobs to make ends meet, to ensure we had enough to make certain we never lost Dylan’s insurance. Imagine being a young adult in your early-to-mid 20’s, new baby, and your spending $1,200-$1,500 a month just in insurance for your kids health (well some of you can imagine this because you live/lived it as well), we all know diapers, food, etc…cost a lot as well but we did what we had to do, and we somehow got by. To this day I still pay Dylan’s insurance at min 1 month in advance, as I live in fear of him being dropped by the insurance carrier, so I make sure they never get to use that excuse. For those close to us, you know Amber lost her job back in October when Dylan had his bleed; this has not made anything any easier for us. The term feeling kicked while your down doesn’t accurately express what has been going on over the last few months but I can say through all this financial strain…I have never missed a payment on any of my bills or been late paying them.
I realized today that maybe I didn’t do enough; maybe I have failed as a father, a dad, or maybe I took the wrong career path. As a man we often feel the responsibility for our financial well being is incumbent upon us, today I feel that “strain”, maybe its just a worry, maybe its just me being hard on myself, or maybe it just is what it is and I just need to roll with the punches and worry about this stuff later. Some say why bother worrying about it as there is no changing it, I agree, but life doesn't stand still just because our's does at this moment. There is no changing the path I have walked and there is no good that can come from me stressing about it today.
I was able to step back and realize that 16 days from now is my only real worry, my only true focus, and no amount of money or lack thereof defines the outcome of what lies ahead. Today I ask for the strength to give my family the courage for what lies ahead…